Dealing with infertility - TRIBUNE

• Written by  Ruth Olurounbi

My friend, Tolulope had been married for 10 years and she’s yet to conceive. That is a major problem. Add that with the expectations family and friends, colleagues, co-workers, everyone in her life! Thankfully, Tolulope has an understanding mother-in-law, who didn’t give her too much problems. But hey, it didn’t mean Tolu was happy being childless – even when her husband has been very supportive.
Truth be told, infertility can be devastating. Most especially for the person trying to get pregnant but couldn’t. There’s this feeling of emptiness that envelops you and you walk around as if there’s a part of you missing.
Although Tolu has a beautiful baby girl, something she and her husband had always wanted, she told me two days ago that 10 years was too long a time to wait.
Why am I saying this? Remember last week we talked about the struggle that comes with you trying to conceive but couldn’t? This week, Tolu gave me the go ahead to use her as an example to the couple out there who are having a hard time coping with fertility.
Trust me, this is not one of those messages that tell you to sweep your feeling under the carpet and move on with your life (because we know, intimately, how you feel not to have the very thing you’ve always been dreaming of), this is us trying to make you see some things you may have not been seeing. Above all, we are here to commend your patience – we know how easy to lose one’s mind – and to tell you that whatever it is, do not blame yourself for being unable to conceive. Because if you truly look at it, where has the blame game got you those far?
So, if you’re having a hard time coping with infertility, you’re not alone and you’d never be alone. When Tolu was having problems with conception, she told me that she was plagued with this overwhelming whirlwind of emotions – loss (a sense of loss for the child or children she’d imagined having one day and chief of all, the feeling that she’s missing out on the experience of parenthood or the act of having a biological child), anger and jealousy, denial, shame, stress, lack of control, sexual tension and all that you can imagine and then some.
“In my case, I felt like being pronounced infertile makes me feel less than a woman and my husband couldn’t understand my feeling. It was terrible. On his part, I suspect he feels inadequate too, but didn’t know how to handle it, so we just kept it all cool, hoping that someday, a miracle will happen.
“Did I mention the sexual tension? Wow! Sex around ovulation was the worse because sex felt more of a chore than something that’s supposed to connect the two of you, something enjoyable. And Kelvin? I’m sure he’s going to kill me if he reads this (laughs) there are times he had performance anxiety and he came too quickly or couldn’t come at all. He always felt guilt and shame at those times but we try our best to move past it. After all, it’s no one’s fault,” Tolu said with a sigh.
Those who are currently going through fertility will testify to the financial stress they’ve had to go through. They know that fertility treatment costs can quickly add up, they also know that coping with the financial strain or debt, can create a gre at deal of stress between couples.
In essence, what we are saying is that the pressure to raise a family can be enormous, and the thought of not being able to have children can make many people feel something is wrong with them. On babycenter.com, respected psychologists who work with couples with fertility problems to find out which coping strategies really work offered some help and we reproduced them below, hoping that you will find some answers.
Recognise that a fertility problem is a crisis. A fertility problem may be one of the most difficult challenges you’ll ever face. Acknowledging this is a key to coping, says Kate Marosek, who’s counseled couples with fertility complications in the Washington, D.C. area for more than ten years.
“It’s normal to feel a monumental sense of loss, to feel stressed, sad, or overwhelmed,” says Marosek. “Don’t chastise yourself for feeling this way.” Facing and accepting your emotions can help you move beyond them.
Don’t blame yourself. Resist the temptation to get angry at yourself or to listen to the little voice in your head that’s saying, “I shouldn’t have waited; I’m being punished for having that abortion; I should have lost more weight or taken better care of my health; I shouldn’t have assumed that I could have children when I wanted” or whatever negative thoughts you may be having.
People can get caught in negative thinking patterns that only make matters worse, says Yakov M. Epstein, a psychologist at Rutgers University and co-author of Getting Pregnant When You Thought You Couldn’t: “Instead of berating yourself, look forward to how you and your partner are going to manage the situation.”
When you start feeling like you “should have” or “could have,” remind yourself that your fertility problem is not your fault. Even if you could have made different decisions in the past, they’re behind you. Concentrate on your future.
Work as a team with your partner. You and your mate should help each other through this time (and definitely not blame each other for your difficulty in getting pregnant).
This doesn’t mean you need to feel the same thing at the same time — that’s one of the most common pitfalls for couples facing fertility problems. It does mean paying attention to what your partner’s going through. “If you’re taking care of each other emotionally, you can unite to fight the problem,” says Marosek.
Work together to find practical ways to share the burden. If you’re undergoing treatment, he can take care of the insurance papers. Or if he needs injected therapy, you can administer the shots.
Educate yourself. Read as much as you can about fertility problems and ask questions from your doctor and other couples in your situation.
Staying educated is especially important when you’re dealing with fertility problem because the technologies behind the treatments are complicated and change quickly. “You’ve got to understand what’s happening medically,” says Epstein, “or you won’t be able to make informed choices.”
See our resource guide for a list of books, Web sites, and organisations that can help. Learn the basics by starting at the beginning of our Fertility Problems area.
Set limits on how long you’re willing to try. Some couples decide from the get-go that they won’t go to extreme measures to have a baby.
....Continues next week